Counter Creeps
I’ve resisted the urge to pen this blog entry because I respect my elders and have a great deal of gratitude for those who have paved the way through a more difficult life to make mine better. There are quite a few urges I resist on a daily basis: (1) to scream my face off when I see/hear an event referred to as the 1st Annual since it is grammatically incorrect, (2) to finally proclaim my undying love for Father Bill Sheridan out of the Campus Ministries Office otherwise known as Father Hottie, (3), to claw the eyes out of the lady at the gym who punches herself in the forehead as she runs, (4) buy Cinnamon or Chocolate Cheerios because I will open and finish the box in one setting. Enough about urges I need to resist and back to the Counter Creeps. By the way, my sister, Sheree, coined the term Counter Creeps. Thank you for your contribution to Vandercheese.
The purpose of this blog is to comment on the retired gentlemen who are polluting our convenience stores around town like infected sores on my ass. Did I just hear someone say to take it easy on these guys because they have been put out to pasture? I hope not- because these guys are not even close to the pasture. No sir – critical faculties (check), brain waves working (check), no signs of dementia (check), operating a vehicle (check). I get it – they are lonely, depressed, and have anxieties about what it means to be in their golden years. Graduating into the Golden Years means more senior moments, first turning to the obituaries in the newspaper, developing a fondness for Vienna Fingers, following each sentence with “it’s on the tip of my tongue”, ordering a scalding cup of hot/black coffee to enjoy alongside a scalding hot meal (see this in the wild at McDonald’s), and when people call you at 8pm they say “did I wake you?” Unfortunately, for the good residents of North Haledon (and remember from an early blog that Steven Baldwin frequents the Krauszer’s), somebody gave these guys the advice to avoid being isolated – so they have resorted to a morning routine that leaves the rest of us in the wake of their destruction. And, now for the Strike Team (with names changed):
Mini-Mart
This store has 2-3 Counter Creeps that arrive around 5-6am and finally wear out their welcome around 9:30am. Perhaps, the creepiest of the bunch is “Simon.” Celebrity look-a-like = Mr. MaGoo.
Simon hardly speaks. Instead, he prefers to stare, gawk, drop his jaw, gape, drool, look at your breasts, pace around the store, hide behind an aisle end-cap and peak around the corner, return for additional stares, breast ogle some more, and the cycle ends when his tongue actually leaves his mouth and hangs as a free fall. Sound like a Counter Creep? I thought so. Simon decided to just start working pro bono around the Mini-Mart. I am not sure if the store is grateful for his help, or irritated beyond belief that he has taken over their operations in a menacing capacity. I imagine the owner as a super kind human spirit who feels badly for Simon and why banishing Simon from the store for eternity (irrespective of the fact that their customers are sexually harassed on a daily basis) is off limits. Back to Simon’s so-called duties: Simon will toss out the coffee grinds, make fresh coffee, keep the dairy cool, wipe the coffee counter, tend to the overflowing trash can outside (grab all of the scratched off lotto tickets just to be sure they are duds), and sweep the floor. Simon arrives at about 4:55am and waits outside the dark store 7 days a week. Compared to Simon, the other 2 Counter Creeps are rather benign and not even worth talking about – Simon just steals their thunder.
Krauszer’s
We have a gentleman who keeps things exciting at the coffee bar in Krauszer’s mini-mart. I am not sure of his name, but he drives a powder blue PT Cruiser, so we’ll refer to him as PT. Celebrity look-a-like = Michael Groover aka Food Network Paul Deen’s husband.
Estimated arrival time, 7am – departure time 12pm. PT will either be in his car smoking cigarettes and harassing customers in the parking lot OR dawdling at the coffee bar. PT would be harmless if it weren’t for his incessant need to make and say a comment about every fucking thing in the world and act like an authority on everything…..everything. PT just loiters for a protracted period of time and contributes conversation such as; “You’re putting French Vanilla cream in that coffee? Let me tell you something about the French! We should be calling them Freedom Fries from now on – fuck the French.” And, there you have it. My usage of an International Delight French Vanilla Creamer is enough to make PT totally unravel with anti-French sentiments. The Vandercheese Blog doesn’t have space to debate the French refusing to support the U.S. position in Iraq, but I have even less space for annoying people frittering around the coffee carafe and taking the liberties to disrupt the busiest part of the morning. Speaking of liberties, I will ask PT if he likes the Statue of Liberty and what she stands for in America. Whadaya say to France for that beautiful gift (said in the twang of a parent to a kid who just received a gift)? Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
Counter Creep #2 at Krauszer’s (yes, they fight for positioning) just loves to hover near the self-serve coffee bar and act like the general area is in fact his home kitchen. He creates his own fiefdom by assembling his cell phone, keys, newspaper, coffee, sunglasses, library book, and egg sandwich. He hovers like a God damn black hawk helicopter. In case you didn’t notice, Krauszer’s really, really, really does NOT want you hanging out in the store because it is a convenience store. You retrieve items for your convenience and then you leave. If they wanted you to be hanging out there, they would have installed tables and chairs. This guy is one step away from bringing his own chair. By the way, Krauszer’s does NOT have a grill. So, Black Hawk purchased his egg sandwich from another location and purposely brought it to Krauszer’s to eat. Go the fuck home with your eggs! Celebrity look-a-like = Dan Castellaneta (best known for his work on the Tracey Ullman Show and the voice of Homer Simpson).
I really dislike this Counter Creep because he is arrogant enough to make the corner of the counter his home. He always strikes up conversations (not unlike the rest of the Counter Creeps, with the exception of Magoo) and is the type to latch on to a key point of engagement. If Black Hawk discovers one little thing about you, he will latch onto that piece of knowledge forever and use it for all future conversations. Case in point: “How is that Beetle? The top should be down today. Is the Beetle front wheel drive? Where is the engine in the Beetle?”
Latching on to a singular piece of knowledge about someone and continually going back to it is a technique I am familiar with….. Case in point: At 18 years old, I was dumb enough to slap a tattoo of a dolphin on my leg. From that point forward, it was assumed that Mel must want to own, decorate, wear, accessorize, and experience all-things-dolphin. I am about to document all dolphin related materials that have come my way and hope that you find the list to be exhaustive and humorous. I want to stress that the folks who have given me these gifts spent great money and used extra love/care to find the perfect gift for me and I love them all for being so generous. In fact, with the exception of the toilet paper holder, I love all these gifts and cherish the person who was thoughtful enough to give them to me. Here is a very short list of dolphin related gifts I received all because someone took a singular piece of knowledge about me and ran with it; Dolphin earrings, necklace, bracelet, ankle bracelet, throw rug, afghan, toilet paper holder (very tall holds up to 4 rolls), bottle opener (my fault they were my wedding favors), statues/figurines, ice cube trays, pasta shapes, wind chimes, snow globe, t-shirts, sweatshirts, shorts, sunglasses, key chains, pot holders, magnets, posters, candles, beddings, calendars, oil burners, ornaments, lamp, salt and pepper shaker, and adopt a dolphin.
So, the Counter Creeps are all across town and ready to engage you in frivolous conversation at any given moment. Be ready. Here is my advice: (1) Look and act very busy as you pour your coffee. Some of the Counter Creeps have a discretion monitoring device and can detect that you are on your way to work. Fantastic! However, there are some Counter Creeps who are not so lucky to have this device and you might find yourself talking about the run-a-way snake from the Bronx Zoo. For this, I am sorry, and can only say that I warned you. (2) Cradle your cell phone from your face and speak into it. They hate that. Say things like “What do you want from me. Screws fall out all of the time. The world is an imperfect place.” Counter Creeps will never know that is just a quote from the movie, The Breakfast Club. (3) Just stay away from coffee altogether because it’s a mind field over there….a clusterfuck of madness, if you will. (4) Beat them at their own game and treat it like Thunderdome. Two men enter, one man leaves. Thunderdome is, perhaps, the greatest way to settle a dispute in the world.
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