What are you talking about, I'm not yelling?

I enjoy the North Haledon Recycling Center because I get to see Dad hold landscapers and town residents accountable who can’t wrap their brains around rules.  I’m sorry recycling is inconvenient for you - I guess you enjoy the thought of one day living in your own filth? Rules were meant to be followed.   Following rules is fun – just ask SuperNanny – Jo Frost. 

My Dad wouldn’t think twice about banishing some North Haledon Townie to a naughty chair.  Their crime?  They are guilty of not giving a fuck to acknowledge the difference between aluminum and tin.  Get it right, asshole – my Dad doesn’t stand over that bee-infested dumpster with a magnet on the end of a pole for his health …..just to fish out your misdeeds.   Do you think this is what he wants to do in his retirement? 

Essentially, we could refer to Dad as the SuperNanny of the Recycling Center since he believes in technique, consistency, and discipline.  SuperNanny reminds us how inadequate we are with our kids, but Dad reminds us how inadequate we are with our recycling. I think my Dad should have his own reality TV show and arrive on the doorstep of some hapless household for one week and teach them what to do with recycling and child rearing.  Bibbity bobbety boo.  Here is my advice for that family:

Dear Family,

So – my dad, George, is going to visit with you for one week to whip you into shape.  Here are my survivor tips:

1.       Dad Van Der Wall is immune to tantrums – thanks to my sister (Sheree) – so, don’t even go that route. Are you thinking about holding your breath until you get your way?  I caution against this strategy because he is not going to cave. If anything, he has his finger firmly planted on the phone pad poised and ready for “9-1”-and is just waiting to press the other “1.”  He can spot your John McEnroe “you cannot be serious” temper tantrum from a mile away – so don’t even dare to be so bold.

2.       Dad is also not a fan of you ordering a pizza with half a topping because every pizza joint in America is going to charge you for full topping.  You either want mushrooms or you don’t.  He calls this “stupid money.”  Other examples of stupid money include ATM surcharge fees, bank service fees for falling below required balance, and paying extra for anything organic.  And, you should never pay someone for something you can do yourself.

3.       Dad will not be accommodating for breakfast, so you can expect a bacon sandwich or a Drakes Apple Pie.   Note; you have to watch Dad with the bacon.  Life is too short to be worrying about things like eating too much bacon. He will, in fact, put 22 slices of bacon between 2 slices of toast.    It also serves as aromatherapy for him.

4.       Daddy Doubtfire can fix anything – anything, so never ever throw anything away, ever.   In fact, prepare yourself for something you threw away resurrecting itself years later in a different format altogether.  Your hair ties and skrunchies CAN and WILL be made into a dog collar – just sayin.

5.       Don’t even try to fake an illness to get out of going to school – bottom line is….you’re going.  Sore throat, cough, fever, infectious disease, mono, tuberculosis, dysentery…better have done your homework because you will be given a bacon sandwich and shipped off to school.  There is one golden ticket that works without fail…tell him you have your period.   Done and done.  If he starts to ask questions and get wise – just say some key words like “heavy flow” and you should scare him off for 4-7 days. 

6.       Choose your battles carefully with him – he is very sharp, quick, and can outwit you.  Treat this as a chess game and always be 3 moves ahead of him.   For training purposes, watch Kevin McAllister in Home Alone and take notes…this is the mentality you will need to survive.

7.       If you need a distraction, use the following topic as the ace up your sleeve.  Talk John Wayne westerns.  Anything will do, but I recommend True Grit and Rio Bravo.   If you’re feeling super brave, talk politics - HINT; he has portraits of Abe Lincoln and Dwight D. Eisenhower in the TV Room of his home.  See where I am going with this? It’s amazing I turned out that way that I did….astounding.

8.       When you call his cell phone (a Motorola RAZR Flip) it is always on speaker phone.  By accident, he made this feature stick permanently and now he loves it. So, use discretion with what you say and consider who might be in the vicinity.   Speaker phone sucks.  But, it’s his preferred method of delivery.  Be prepared to say,  “What are you talking about, I’m not yelling?”   You have no control over the volume of your own voice.  With everything on speaker phone, things get “stupid” really fast.

9.       Don’t expect an allowance – it looks too much like a government hand out.  Chores are a non-negotiable family responsibility.  Now, in my mid-30’s, I totally agree with Mom and Dad and have good money management skills.   My Dad will appreciate your kids and their help around the homestead in lots of different ways…. just not cash.   Okay, if you saw my Facebook post a few weeks ago you saw I dropped over $100 on booze, but I have a defense for that receipt.  It was for medicinal purposes.

10.   Doctor appointment approaching?  He may use some key phrases such as; afraid, pain, hurt, shots, bleeding.  Unlike the Drakes Apple Pie he adores, George wins the superlative “Most Likely to NOT sugar coat a damn thing.”  George’s “honest Abe” approach will work out later for you in life when you need a mortgage, home owners insurance, or to set up your 401K – George is great at shit like that.  As far as your medical appointment is concerned – I guess I’m sorry.

11.   Go to your Mom’s room, wiggle your front tooth and say “I think it’s ready to come out Mommy?”  George has dog-like hearing when it comes to these matters and will be up the stairs faster than a Kardashian can get divorced.  He lives for this shit.  Excitement, fear, nervousness – he’ll play on every one of those chords.  This is how it will go; laughter, crying, screaming, laughter, crying, screaming.  In between your wincing you may hear, “let me pull that tooth out kid, so we can all go on with our lives.”  After it’s removed, be warned – he will ask to start wiggling the other teeth irrespective if they are loose or not.   Maybe, this is why, to this day, I hate the dentist and his preachy dental hygienist? Maybe, it was Little Shop of Horrors? I don’t know.

12.   Zit on your face the size of a postage stamp?  Pop don’t pick.  Oh, and if you cry as if you just watched someone throw kittens into traffic over this zit – he will actually give you some great advice.  One time, he told me “Missa, who is going to be looking at you 2 inches from your face?  People are going to be standing a reasonable distance from you in conversation.  Can you imagine if we looked at art, so close-up that our noses were touching the painting?  We would all say, wow, this painting sucks.”  Thanks Dad – makes perfect sense.  Little Known Fact; He sometimes calls me Missa because when my sister Sheree was little she couldn’t pronounce my name – so she went with Missa.  This stuck with George and he still calls me Missa.  (I hear the awwwwwwwwwwww over the Internet for those who read this, but remember the man yanked teeth out of my mouth like a SAW victim).