First Annual

I would leave my job in favor of learning how to be a wordsmith.  “What do you do for a living, Melissa?”  “My vocation is words – I am a linguist.”  It almost sounds too good to be true.  Actually, there are other things that are too good to be true; such as the Willard Scott Smucker’s Birthday announcements.  The fact that Willard has spent decades driving the bus for this is just too good to be true!!  Regrettably, I do suddenly get a bout of morning sickness when I watch this segment.  The centenarian announcements go something like this; “Happy 104^th Birthday Martha.  Martha attributes her longevity to flax seed, spending time with her great grandchildren, and baking bread.”   If you are reading my blog and you are 99 years old – I have some news for you.   You are going to need to accomplish a great deal to get the Willard nod.  Did you fly to the moon, invent something, spend the last 99 years in a cave, or were you born in a covered wagon?  If you answered yes to one or all of these questions – you may just find your name being butchered by a batty old weather man on the Today Show.  What would the beloved Willard say about Vandercheese?  I can only hope for a nonsensical ad-lib!!!  If you have survived for 100 years, you do not need to have your picture on a jelly jar.  If I make it to 100, please ‘preserve’ whatever dignity I have left and refrain from publishing my wretched and wrinkly face on the virtual jelly jar, thanks! 

Back to wordsmithing…..

Listen up people, there is no such thing as referring to your event as the…..“First Annual.”  The phrase you want is “Inaugural” or “First Ever.”  You’re being bamboozled by presumptive people and their careless First Annual references.  Please don’t make me defend this and start up on my rant about naming wars.  Was it always called World War I?  No, I didn’t think so.   I believe that the First Annual reference is categorically wrong and shouldn’t ever be used again, ever.  I am so tired of this wording that it’s not even funny.

“Not even funny” is another careless use of the English language.  How many of you have used this in a sentence?  “I am so hungry it is not even funny.”  Are you serious – because I am failing to recall when being hungry WAS funny.  Ouch, did you feel that?  I just simulated one of those V-8 slaps to your forehead like in those commercials. Sometimes just running into people and listening to their flip use of the English language can be a mind-stabbing minefield.    My friend Bobby throws himself on to the floor when he hears someone use “same difference.”  If you have used this phrase you are either confused by what the word “same” means, confused by what the word “different” means, or perhaps both?

Rules were meant to be broken.  Who came up with this gem of a phrase?  Umm, no whiz kids, rules were meant to be followed – duh – that’s why they are called rules.  Now, I realize that I have a dog-like obedience to structure and rules, but who are you to deprive me of living like a Standard Operating Procedure?  Rules are great and I love them.  As your typical first-born child, I like logic and reason.   I enjoy being the person at my job who can save the day.  Anarchy and lawlessness will ensue if everyone thought rules were inconvenient.  Of course, this jabber is all separate and distinct from believing a rule is discriminatory and empowering yourself and others to change it.  Rules were meant to be broken…I don’t think so??   I think we have The Lion King’s Timon and Puumba to blame for this bullshit with their “Hakuna Mattata” song?   By the way, I would give my eye tooth to have a meerkat and warthog show up at my desk and sing me a delightful Disney-infused song like Hakuna Mattata.  In case you have been living under a rock and are unfamiliar with the Lion King or are rusty on your Swahili, the phrase means “no worries.”  

Speaking of worries, do you folks know about the Vandercheese Shoe Rule?   For the love of the game, when you are trying on shoes at the store, use socks or use the peds that they provide in the store.  Do not stick your foul bare foot in that brand new shoe.  1.) You are just asking for a Planter’s wart.   2.) It is gross & indecent.  3.) You are walking around the store in your bare feet going from shoe to shoe.  Guess what?  Your feet are picking up all of the floor dirt and now you are placing your feet into these new shoes.  4.) You probably do a myriad of things every day that proves to us that you are a clean and hygienic person – shower, wash hands, brush teeth, shave, wash your clothes.  Why do you give up when it comes to the shoe fitting? I am not a saint with it comes to hygiene – as most of you know – I kiss my dog and she kisses me. (Roxanne’s Dogster page: http://www.dogster.com/dogs/797472

Thank you – no really, thank you because I appreciate how you have contaminated the shoe for me.  Let me explain how cleanliness works…you know what…nevermind.  

Back to wordsmithing….

All of this might be a classic over-reaction on my part, but let’s give it some thought.  What has essentially happened to modern day grammar is an adjustment of the rules (yes, people – EVOO made it to the Oxford American College Dictionary) rather than people learning and correcting their mistakes.  Since when do we give up on learning the correct way to do something and just make amends, arrangements, and new rules to have it “our way?”  Don’t tell me that rules were meant to be broken?  If you’ve ended a sentence with a preposition or dangled a modifier in a purely technical sense – I judge you because you are writing the way people speak.  Blogging aside (since I am inclined to align myself with blogging being more conversational), why are you adjusting your grammar in such a way that is ripping at your credibility?  It’s official.  If Rachael Rayisms are integrated into our language and esteemed reference materials – the end times are upon is.  I might as well go cry into my Garbage Bowl.  Speaking of Rachael – did you ever notice how on 30 Minute Meals she slams the drawers?  I watch and cringe each time she grabs a utensil from those drawers – SLAM!  My ears hurt, stop.  Please do not watch this show.  Your I.Q. diminishes by the second as she refers to the honey container as “Mr. Bear” and convinces you time and time again that the special ingredient in the sauce that makes people go “Hmmm, what is that” is nutmeg.  It’s nutmeg, people.  Nutmeg – there, I said it.  My friend Will and I created “Condi-Meals.”  This is when money is tight and you look at your refrigerator door and can make a nutritious meal out of your condiments.  Give us a television show!!!!

Maybe my critiques of Rachael are just a sign of how far she has come in her success.  And by success, I mean throwing a bunch of nonsense food into a bowl that overly relies upon chicken stock.  Ms. Ray is laughing all the way to the bank and I am sure Rachael (the regular gal) is someone I would love to share a beer with someday.  Years ago, a Ramapo student posted on Facebook that “Melissa Van Der Wall is a constant infected sore on my ass.”  Thank you student!   I think I’ve truly made it in this crazy world of college Judicial Affairs when I’m on Facebook in such a glamorous manner.