Of All the Charlie Browns in the World, You're the Charlie Browniest

Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you’re the Charlie Browniest

I am not an early Christmas celebrator.  I wasn’t even close to being prepared for Halloween and had to race to the store for candy at the last minute.  And, by candy, I mean Mounds Bars – I know, bad.  There is a special place in “h-e-double hockey sticks” for people who give out:  Dum Dum Lollipops (choking hazard), Bit-O-Honeys (tooth extraction hazard), Circus Peanuts (taste hazard), and wax bottles with random juice in the middle.  If you drop this wax bottle into a trick or treat bag – you most likely hate children.  Basically, any of your depression-era inspired treats generally suck.

A frenzy of Holiday cheer in October?  Pah-leez, even Baby Jesus would be shaking his head in angst and disgust.  Actually, I do remember the part in the Bible when Jesus lived his life exclusively on having material possessions – I love that chapter.  What does Winnie the Pooh have to do with Christmas anyway?  Oh yeah, some company placed him and his friends inside of an inflatable snow globe (with artificial falling snow), that you purchased and planted on your front yard.   I’m not a fan of dear Pooh and his woodland friends because they are depressed, absent-minded, whiners.   I prefer the smart, sassy, and sophisticated children’s heroes and cartoons a la Josie and the Pussycats.  I enjoy “Underdog.”  He’s underestimated by his enemies and then proves them all wrong.  I also like Rocky, Susan Boyle, and when Kevin McAllister defeats the bad guys.

The pre-pre-pre Holiday season may have brought out the worst in me, but like anything in life there is a balance.  There are certain snippets of the Holiday season that I thoroughly enjoy.  Dust off the National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation movie because it’s about that time to let Clark and Ellen rock our worlds.  Highly quotable, but never misunderstood - this movie makes me stop whatever I am doing to watch and ignore life around me.  Some people watch “It’s a Wonderful Life “– I watch the Griswold’s.  If you haven’t laughed while watching this movie or haven’t seen the movie at all….(1) Shame on you,  (2) I might need for you to come to my house to watch this on VHS, so I can expose you to a masterpiece.  (3) At this point, the only VCR in my house is built-in to the TV in my bedroom, so we might need to cuddle in a weird way on my bed to watch the movie – but you understand, right?  (4) I don’t have a clever transition into talking about why I hate the Mall, so I just created this #4.

I hate the Mall for the obvious and not so obvious reasons.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate those mega malls who try to dress the place up and make it more of an enjoyable experience.  Toss in as many fake plants and chi-chi piano players tickling the ivory to Harry Connick, Jr. as you wish – it’s still the unhappiest place on Earth.  I admit that I am a little critical – okay maybe a lot critical.  I was ambushed walking by a kiosk by a sales person blowing bubbles in my face and flying a toy helicopter over my head.  I have the right to lose some patience. I realize that these folks need to bring home a buck just like the rest of us, but for some reason the kiosk sales people feel like carnie folk with all of their gimmicks.  Do I need to say more on this subject – actually, yeah I do!  They do, in fact, have “carnie talk” at these stations – a string of jargon that they only understand between each other and can test on the customer to see if he/she “gets it.”  Do you “speak the language?”  I do, it means “come hither so I can sell you some crap.”   The only time I would stop at one of these wagons is if Steve Martin himself was there fully in his character from the movie “The Jerk” wanting to guess my weight.  In order to avoid these wagons of all things considered kitchen junk drawer worthy, I all but drop to the ground and do one of those military crawls on my belly just to escape the clusterfuck.  The only thing worse than the kiosks might be the huge candy store where you can literally shove candy into a bag, have it weighed, and eat your face off of things like watermelon slices and black rope licorice.  Speaking of black licorice – I consider this the Black Mamba and wish to never be in its presence.  As far as I am concerned, it’s poison and is the devil’s jump rope.

If you like the mall, you must also enjoy overpriced items, crowds, parking wars, and germs.  I picked up a pair of UGG boots for Bobby.  What is the craze with UGG boots?  Why are we incredibly misplaced with when to wear UGG boots?  Example: Mini skirt in the spring with soft, puffy, calf-height, wool lined, sheep skin UGG boots?  Cosmo TEEN magazine is just not going to be the one to tell you this – so here it goes “You look like you just took a big wad of dough and shoved it on your foot.” Ok, I hear your argument “they are warm.”  Well, there are lots of things that are warm, but you don’t see me ready to tie a carburetor to my foot.  What’s it going to take to get these things abated from society?

Exhibit A



I know – this picture makes you want to sharpen the pitch forks and light the torches, right?  Well, maybe not ALL of you have that some reaction to this picture (**throat clears).