1. The Sampler Platter: It’s on every menu. Jalapeño poppers, mozzarella sticks, nachos, chicken fingers, or southwest egg rolls - they all advertise for the proverbial sampler platter. “Oh great, the tower of appetizers have arrived to the table – let us all descend upon the sampler like vultures.” However, there is always one truly awkward moment. What is socially acceptable when it comes to the last southwest egg roll, the last mozzarella stick, and the last chicken finger? Who eats it? It’s just sitting there waiting. Do good things come to those who wait? When that person on the other side of the table scoops it up, you know you secretly hate them and hate yourself for not being assertive enough. Next time – I empower you – grab that chicken finger like it’s your last day on Earth and in a vociferous cry say “THIS IS FOR VANDERCHEESE!”
2. The Birthday Song: If it’s your actual Birthday, FANTASTIC. If you are faking a Birthday just to have the wait staff’s ritual bestowed upon friends & family, you need to stop. While the wait staff and runners are assembled around your fake Birthday table – our food is getting cold and not being brought to the table, drinks are empty, and we feel sad and alone. Why? Because our server had to circle around your friend’s fake Birthday table and it took even more time to gather up the other servers willing to be part of the strike team. My point is that these chain restaurants bank on the fact that you will celebrate a Birthday and your festivities will involve their establishment. Cripes, they have devoted enough energy to skirt copyright laws by creating their own Birthday song, dance, and eventual ambush. If you are fortunate, reluctant servers will even shine the overhead table lamp in your face while they sing. Other patrons in the restaurant may in fact clap and cheer as they canvas the restaurant to see who the unlucky bastard is this time. Shit-tastic!
3. Match.com : The on-line dating scenario breeds in cheesy chain restaurants with sampler platters. Match.com, EHarmony.com, Jdate.com, gaysinglesonline.com, somewhere, somehow, there is a bar stool waiting for you to meet the dreadful on-line person of your dreams. If you are someone who found your sensational sweetheart on-line– good for you – consider yourself lucky. The rest of us are stuck there eating chowder out of a bread bowl with “Mark” from Match.com and wondering if it would look bad to fake losing consciousness in order to get out of this date. In my case, it was the Mark Show: starring Mark, directed by Mark, written by Mark, produced by Mark, hair/makeup by Mark, catering by Mark, key grip by Mark, edited by Mark. P.S.; If you are there to meet someone for the 1st time – I can single you out like there is no tomorrow, Captain Obvious.
4. Ordering: Learn this now: Pitch the fucking crouton out of your salad when the salad gets to you, rather than send it back because you asked for no croutons. If you want to manipulate the order, go to Burger King - your way/right away. Do I think there is enough salt in your dish to have you grow a goiter right here and now…YES!! The spaghetti (pronounced spee-git-tee if you are Giada De Laurentiis from Foot TV) and meatballs might not be terribly authentic at the Macaroni Grill, but who really cares when the server blew your mind away by writing her/his name on the table with a crayon. Didn’t that technique just pull you in more and rip at your heart string to make you feel like you were in Sicily? I thought so. They do that all the time there….I swear. Pros: I can stop paying attention to you talking to me and start to doodle on the table. Cons: Macaroni Grill is totally going to throw my crayon masterpiece in the garbage. Do you know how long it took me to trace my hand and make a turkey out of it? Geesh!
5. The Servers: I love these folks!! The servers don’t need you shitting on them…so stop.
6. Open Sesame!!!: Outback people saw me coming in the parking lot and pushed open the door. Gee, that singular movement makes me want to come back here to have a light cast upon me for my Birthday whereby I will eventually eat something called Chocolate Explosion. Go ahead, I dare you to eat that– by the morning – you will surely hate yourself. By the way, are you opening the door to make this experience classy or is it because some nitwit crafted big ass wooden doors that are too massive for any one person to open? If this is how they make doors in Australia – count me out from taking a trip down under. I’d be trapped outside, never ever being able to get through the big ass doors. Don’t even get me started about handicapped accessibility. Nonetheless – I wish to thank the very nice, fake-Aussie for pushing the door open. What are you waiting for..an invitation from Mel Gibson?
7. Predictability: I know there is a very good reason why they don’t let you relax and finish your appetizer before your sizzling fajitas reach the table, but for Christ’s Sake LET IT BE. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. If you read my previous blog, you would know that this type of “incident” would be enough to make Mrs. Reno unravel. She would march straight to Olive Garden, grab the first unlimited basket of breadsticks she could find, and shove it up your…..Opps – Sorry about that – I got carried away!!
The meals are affordable and usually we go to these places for the pleasure of our company rather than to indulge in a gratifying meal. Macaroni Grill says, “Pay the farmer, or pay the doctor.” To that end, not only do we want to eat well – we need to drink well. We want margaritas in a goblet the size of our skull, darn it!!!
Despite my sarcasm – I can report that some of the best times of my life have happened in a cheesy, chain restaurant with a sampler platter. I once ate an entire meatloaf in a TGI Friday’s in Delaware with Sarah (she observed in sheer horror). Not a single slice of meatloaf….the entire loaf. The chef came out to shake my hand and he gave me a Friday’s balloon. “Atta Girl.” I have a picture of this in my office because I love the story that goes along with it. I’ve lingered for hours in these joints with friends – listening to their heart ache or sharing mine, celebrating a promotion, gossiping, or leaning in really close over the candle and promising to never, ever tell the secret they are about to share with me. I’m like a vault – by the way! The charm of these places has not worn off, so bring on the sampler platter.
I'm glad that Mrs. Reno made another appearance.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, your societal observations are right on the money!