When the rigor of my morning routine in the house draws to a close, I shimmy into the Beetle and hit the open road to work. I’m rather predictable in the morning; walk the dog, coffee, and shower. What is with the bumblefuck that has become the Today Show? Eric Mochnacz would back me up in saying that this show has jumped the shark. It’s obvious that the anchors hate each other, they are never on the set at the same time, and they’re always pulling out the substitute B-team. “Hi, my name is Anne Curry. I laugh at things that aren’t funny, tell anecdotal stories that are worthless and am socially awkward with the rest of the cast. When it comes to Halloween, the producers always give me the worst costume. I should leave the newsdesk to someone like Anderson Cooper.”
What I do enjoy is when the Today Show runs a segment that makes Joran van der Sloot look like the Worst Person in the World. I recently joined a Facebook group titled “let’s plug the BP oil leak with Joran van der Sloot.” I can think of a few more people worthy of serving in such a capacity: the man who marinated his cat with the intent to cook it, Kate Gosslin is public enemy number one, and there is just not enough room left in my heart to love Geraldo. Oh, and I might banish Justin Timberlake’s patchy facial hair to the Gulf of Mexico – not Justin himself – he can stay. Anyway, I drive 10.5 miles to work and in that short amount of time experience one of the most diverse, clusterfucks of human-kind.
Not once, but twice I have bumped into Steven Baldwin in my town on my way to work. On the first occasion, I saw him at a bagel shop where we exchanged no words whatsoever and he scampered off in a limousine. On the second occasion (at the Krauzer’s mini-mart), he told me that he sends his kids to Eastern Christian Academy, so this explains his presence in my neighborhood. He drives a GMC Arcadia by the way and he’s the Born Again Baldwin. He might be the 2nd biggest celebrity I have ever met....the first being Ozzy Osbourne.
I usually visit Krauzer’s to purchase sugar-free cinnamon Eclipse mints. There is something about these things that I can’t explain or control. Like catnip. Actually, there are other things I can’t explain or control like the creepy rock-hard grey hair (just one) that grows out of my eyebrow. Anyway, back to Krauzer’s. While I am in the store, I’ll look over the protein bars with no real intent of actually purchasing a protein bar. I check the expiration dates and bring the expired ones to the register as a concerned, rule-following citizen. Only, I find them back on the shelf the next business day.
Dear North Haledon Residents, Steven Baldwin, and my creepy grey hair,
The Peanut Butter Power Bars have a Sept. 09 date on every single one in the box, so don’t purchase/eat them – you might grow hair on your teeth.
XOXO,
Melissa
Speaking of health conscious, the most interesting cast of characters during my morning drive has to be the guy I see running every single day at the exact same time – regardless of the weather. He is medium height, bald, go-tee, bare-chested, muscular, and athletic. Celebrity look-a-like; former WWF Wrestler The Iron Sheik.
What makes this story even more odd, weird, and bizarre is his hand gesture each and every morning. When the Beetle cruises by, he reaches his right hand up and salutes – but it’s more of a ½ salute, or a finger point to the brow. Upon first glance, you might think he’s just wiping away sweat. But, how weird would that be if he wipes sweat away every single time I drive by him? Does anyone have a reasonable explanation for this…is it a NAVY SEALS move? This has bothered me for 6 fucking years. Well, there are other things that bother me: getting a grain of sand in your mouth, when my imaginary friend stops talking to me, people who say “shut up” to others (try “zip it”), grape jelly, and people who don’t return their shopping carts to the shopping cart return area. And, don’t give me that shit about how by returning the cart you’re taking a job away from the part-time kid who scurries around the parking lot retrieving your lazy ass, very bad, no-good, deed of an abandoned cart. I’m sure Mike the shopping cart wrangler boy just loves being outside during Hurricane Dwight or the Africa-hot heat to collect the shopping carts. If I just described you......OUCH, did you feel that? I just took my fingers and FLICKED you between the eyes.
Back to my drive to work. The roads are paved smoothly and the traffic is minimal with the exception of some congestion by the middle schools. It’s all rather milk and cookies until I hit a certain town with a certain dipshit Crossing Guard. This is what I have to say, “Who do you think you are?” Here are the specs: 70-75 yrs old, WWII vet, collects model trains, doesn’t miss an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos, buys Skim Plus because his doctor told him to, loves Bill O’Reilly and making poor decisions that put today’s youth in jeopardy. These kids have a better chance at the hands of Dina Lohan.
#1) He steps off the curb in a haphazard, whimsical, and sluggish fashion. It’s almost as if an imaginary friend pushed him off the curb from behind.
#2) He walks out about 2 feet and stops. Isn’t there some type of Crossing Guard Code of Ethics that says you need to stand in the yellow-line and make yourself known in the middle of the roadway to drivers? “Hey Skim Plus, I can’t see you when you’re hiding on the curb!!!”
#3) The actual Stop Sign remains pointed down at all times. You are being as useless as a wire-rimmed egg dipper in the Easter Paas egg coloring kit. Why even bother showing up for work? Now, I know I have a dog-like obedience to structure and rules, but Skim Plus is going to kill one of these kids someday. I see the kids laughing and enjoying him, but guess what kiddies...the Devil Wears Prada, or stripes, or florescent, or a AAA vest, whatever.
Once I survive Skim Plus, it’s usually clear sailing to work. The wildlife tend to emerge somewhere near Campgaw – but these are mostly wild turkeys and deer. Is it bad that I feel compelled to treat Campgaw Avenue like the Autobahn? The best part of my journey is when I drive by the police academy and beefy cadets are running, jumping, skipping, frolicking, etc. Thank you Bergen County Law and Public Safety Institute.
The Iron Sheik! That made my morning. At first I was trying to picture what exactly he looked like and then, BAM! I scrolled down a tad more and you conveniently provided a photo!
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