Mamma Mia Moses

Mamma Mia Moses

If I have kids, fine. If I don’t have kids, fine. Do you want a hot dog, fine. Do you want a hamburger, fine. See – it’s interchangeable, but I’m not actually that careless and flip about it. It’s just that I’m not worried about taking a mediocre stance. In fact, I’ve experienced more fret and agony over whether or not I chose the right thing off a dinner menu from a cheesy chain restaurant with a sampler platter. What truly makes me happy is that I get to help raise other peoples’ kids. Oh, and I have had a mildly successful run caring for my pet on Facebook in Petville (named Moses). More about Moses later.

One of my best friends, Debbie – has made me the happiest girl in the world to be so involved with her kids, Natalie (6yrs) and Juliette (2 yrs, my God Daughter). Actually, raw cookie dough makes me pretty happy, but that’s the kind of happiness you regret in the morning. Well, I may have had other happiness I regretted in the morning, but let’s just stick to talking about the kids. Nat and Jules make my world go round – or maybe they like to teach the world to sing – or maybe we are the world - or spin around the world – something like that. Three rules when Auntie Mel is watching the kids; (1) No bleeding, (2) No playing doctor on each other or your friends, (3) no television with shows that represent phallic symbols.

Exhibit A:

As parents – do you folks wonder if you’re doing everything right? Do you worry about mistakes? When Nat was 3 years old, Debbie and I wanted one of those frozen, whipped cream, coffee drinks from Panera – but Natalie was sleeping in bed. The little angel was deep in slumber. I’m talking the slow delta-wave sleeping. The power of a coffee craving is so very strong, so we did what any responsible adults would do…we woke her up and bribed her, “Don’t you want a great, big, cookie, Nat?” Groggy, disoriented, and confused, she slowly nodded her head “yes.” Fantastic! Now’s our chance to go…after all…we could never feel bad about dragging her into the car when she clearly consented and said “yes.” She fell asleep in the car and I tossed her over my shoulder like a sack of flour walking into Panera. We ordered (and yes, we bought her a cookie even though the little tyke was tuckered out) and sat on the sofas. Ahhh, just what we wanted – frozen coffee goodness. I wonder if Nat will remember that day and resent us for putting our needs first? Chances are she was too young to remember and would need to stumble across an Internet blog with documented stories to jog her memory. How much longer until she can read??

Exhibit B: Here is a pic from that day: 
Nat and Jules are my best girls. I love seeing the world through their eyes. Nat gets to eat sour, sugar worms and Pepsi in the back seat of my Beetle. Sometimes, she even dunks the sour worms into the Pepsi before consuming them – very inventive. I wouldn’t say “anything goes” with Auntie Mel …I do put on the Director of Judicial Affairs hat when I need to. Example, when I sarcastically told Juliette last weekend that my Ray-Bans are worth more than her life…..you see below how she listens to my stern voice and direction. I guess 2 year olds don’t get sarcasm, yet?

My favorite Juliette moment has to be from this summer. I was holding her in the pool when she spewed about 3 cups of fully cooked oatmeal all over me. PARTY FOUL. Moments prior to her spewing, she warned me with two critical words that forever resonate in me, “HELP ME.” I was also hailed as a hero that day, because I used what God gave me up top to preserve all of the spew on me; therefore, no spew landed in the actual pool and everyone could remain in the water. You’re welcome, Burleigh’s – you’re welcome. I’m like Melissa Nightengale and Melissa Poppins all rolled up into one grotesque bundle of slop.

As Natalie expands her vocabulary, I feel proud that I’ve taught her a few words such as “DISGUSTING.” Use it in a sentence Natalie!! “When Auntie Mel cooks, it’s disgusting.” See how proud I am to have added to her vocabulary and she used it in the correct context.  After Juliette was born, Natalie and I left the hospital to go home to Debbie’s house. I attached a picture of the meal I made for Natalie that night. It was on this very day and during this very meal, that I taught her the word “disgusting.” The meal: Mashed potatoes I found leftover in Debbie’s frig, pulled apart pieces of chicken, cherry tomatoes we plucked from the garden, Pretzel crisps (since it was the only thing she ate, I thought I would fake her out and put them on top of the meal) and the Dora the Explorer fork.

Oh, and you might be asking yourself why Nat is making that face? I told her to make whatever face she thinks goes along with the word “disgusting.” See how smart she is – she must have her Auntie Mel’s brains!
Back to Moses. Moses is my little pet in Petville. He is red, with big eyes, and I bought him a great big Napoleon Bonaparte hat to wear around his house. Sadly, Moses has run away from home (because I do not take good care of him) at least 50 times. Whenever I get around to signing in Petville, I have to pay with my hard earned money for his release from the pound. It rips away at my inner core that I can’t take care of Moses. He is starving to death, covered in flies, and hasn’t tickled his friends in months. Apparently, the only items I care to feed him are tacos, chips, and cans of refried beans. Even in this very picture I took off the computer screen, you can see his flowers in the background are droopy and dead. He has all the makings of growing up and writing a tell-all book about his awful mother and going on Oprah.

What’s the bottom line? I will put my coffee addiction needs before your child. I will endure a biohazard as if I was on a crime scene clean up team. I will allow your children to take their already sugar ridden treat and saturate it in another sugar ridden drink. Andm I will always love these 2 kids forever and ever as if they were my own….THE END.